nothing comes to mind

I don't feel well - physically and otherwise.

I had a bad night. No sleep and conversations that weren't pleasant. I don't want to write something I will regret so I'm leaving that go. But I have this weird feeling of not being able to take a complete breath. It's like there's a pain in my chest but it doesn't really hurt. I can't say that I'm upset that I'm at work alone this morning. And although I was just able to have a phone conversation I'm really dreading the first, "how are you?" of the day.

I will say this so that no one worries and that you may offer advise before I load on my opinions: how do you deal with your significant other having someone of the opposite sex for a best friend when your experience has proved, several times over, that a man and a woman can not purely be "just friends"? There is no issue of trust. I trust. But I know, that deep down, there is an emotional connection that I don't want to share with some other girl.

Nothing dramatic has taken place. I'm just unable to articulate how I feel - even though I tried. I tried and I sounded like a stupid, insecure, jealous idiot.

I deal with things all wrong. Now all I want to do is be by myself - no phone, no people. Just some Band of Horses and some sudoku.

This is not me asking for comfort or pity or words of encouragement. This is me, the over opinionated girl who can't talk about feelings, attempting to release some tension.

It's not working.

I think I only really had one best friend in High School. It was a he. But he was head over heals in love with me since the day we met. Part of me always thought that in the end, it would be the two of us. He thought that, I thought that, his family thought that. An unfortunate series of events has led us to a relationship of nothing but phone tag. Not that it's a bad thing. I don't think it would be good for Drew and I if this friend and I were still best friends. I don't believe that anything would ever happen between this friend and I - but there would just be this connection that I have decided belongs to someone else.

And never mind the 2 year relationship that ended. It didn't end because of the 'just friend' that I had bad feelings about. However, 2 months later, the 'just friend' and him found out they would bring a little girl into the world.

I'm not saying you can't have friends of the opposite sex. I do, I have a lot. I just think it's dangerous to have a best friend like that. And maybe it's not.

I understand that sometimes our feelings are irrational. Sometimes we really truly and deeply feel something that is nothing more than and insecurity (beyond this friend being extremely nice, talented, friendly and fun to be around, she's beautiful...the skinny, long legged, natural pretty with a killer sense of fashion that I will never be). And she sings, and he sings, and I suck at singing. And she travels around the world. And her family loves him and he plays scrabble with her dad. "he's the smartest man he knows".

I said I wasn't going to get into this.

Never underestimate the power of distractions. I just met with two guys concerning our copier/printer needs up here. One of the guys had a best friend who played basketball at Huntington College. I think everyone is some how connected to that place. Two profs here met while they were both teaching at HU. One prof here has a good friend who used to teach there. There are students here who did their undergrad there. It's crazy.

I feel a little better. Things generally get better. I'm not really worried about things staying crappy...just worried about my inability to deal with crappy stuff. I avoid things until they hit me in the face. Then I don't know what to do.

Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and a good Coffee D'Vine vanilla latte in a mug with whippie. I think that would solve my problems right now. Well, I would feel better.

Watching Pride and Prejudice with Danielle sounds good too. As long as she brings the queso.

Or margaritas with Tara. We could talk about movies, books and music. And boys and life. I'm very thankful for our understanding of each other...even though we must look odd sitting at a table. Me in my jeans and hoodie and her in her dress and heals. Being different can be so beautiful.

Best Buy with Isaac would do some justice. Like in the old days when I had more money and no bills to pay.

Or the Food Network at home in the big chair with my quilt and Bogey at my feet.

Panera and Ulta with Mom.

EOC with mom and dad.

Grandma's kitchen table. Shouldn't have said that one...

Grandpa's pork chops with him and Grandma.

Coffee and church with Tim, Elizabeth, Joey and Laura.

Christmas time.

Spidey Mac and Cheese with Drew. On the red couch watching Always Sunny. Talking about 'someday'.

Being able to wear tennis shoes and jeans to work on Friday.

Talks with Jeannine who will be here soon.

Thinking about seeing Robyn soon even though it turns out Drew can't meet her after all.

Cinnamon Oatmeal.

Band of Horses (since everyone has been doing lists of the top albums of 2007, they win mine. I know you probably thought I would say Arcade Fire or Kings of Leon but nope, Band of Horses takes the cake for me.)

Harry Potter books and the sadness and joy that came with finishing the series.

Growing up and all the independence.

Live Neil Young cds.

Burt's Bees chap stick.

George House gift card from a student who wanted to thank me for typing and sending his reference letters for a professor who just doesn't get typing and email.

An elderly neighbor who let me borrow the coolest scraper I've ever seen to clean my windows after the snow storm. It had a telescope handle so that I could clean the entire windshield from one side of my car...this side that didn't have a drift.

Homemade Apple Butter on my toast this morning. Thanks Shari.

And still Smartwater. It's just so tasty.

I have much to be thankful about. And many in my life to be thankful for.

much love.
carrie jade

Congrats!

My little brother got a movie review he wrote published.

The website it was published on is a really good place to go for music reviews and whatnot. Go look.

much love.

The L Word

No, not lesbian. Sorry for those of you who are fans of the show.

But the word love and all it means.

I believe that we were created to love - it's what life is all about. I think it means many different things to many different people. If love was easy, a always the same, it wouldn't be so exciting.

But true love.

I had a conversation with an adjunct here at Winebrenner who was asking about the seriousness of my relationship with my boyfriend. I told her I sometimes feel silly because we haven't been together for very long but we talk about the rest of our lives together very confidently. We were friends for a few years before dating but for some reason, since the second we decided it was more than a friendship, we've just felt like this was it. We didn't tell each other about our feelings for some time but when the conversation was obviously leading that way we both blurted out the same thing at the same time.

It seems silly. But then my dear friend told me about her and her husband's relationship. They were good friends for about 2 and half years before they dated. 7 days (not months, not years, days) after they started dating they decided they would get married. They had 3 couples pray that this was the right decision and a month later they were engaged.

Now, I by no means plan on doing this. They were older and both done with school. Drew has at least a year and half before he's done with school so it will be at least a year and a half before we would make this kind of decision. It was just fun to hear. And made me feel less silly.

I was just thinking about how messed up love can be sometimes - or how we can mess it up.

Another friend story. I have a friend who has been on and off with a girl for some time. She recently moved on and got another boyfriend. This friend of mine has kind of dragged this girl on for a while (as far as I understand). She had enough and moved on. But now he's ready to commit to her. He really wants to get serious. He even gave me permission to call him out if he cheat on her again. But he really says he loves her.

Seems messed up. Especially cause she's been around a lot. Her new bf is in Iraq so he doesn't know about any of it. It's frustrating (i know I've been frustrating too). Love can be abusive like that.

We were made to love and we don't do a very good job of taking it seriously or keeping it sacred. We toss it around. Our American culture has even made a man's love for a woman a symbol of weakness. It's quite sad. A man who wishes to save the act of love for the woman he marries must be gay. It's twisted.

Sometimes cravings do crazy things to a person. I ate a Whopper Jr. with cheese yesterday. The instant gratification lasted for about all of an instant. Definitely wasn't worth it.

I'm going know where with this. I was just thinking about it. And I'm bored...

I get to wear sparkles tonight! That makes me happy. I'm helping the Dr. Draper's with their Christmas party.

much love.
carrie jade.

p.s. i spell checked - didn't proof read. gotta run...

Save this.

For my own future reference:

Mick Romney's religious speech.

anyone else have any issues picking a favorite?
he's not my favorite because a lot of what he said contradicts my view of Christianity, but he makes some good points. I'd say I disagree with him more than I agree.

carry on...

Fascinating

On Thursday nights I generally go to bed after Grey's Anatomy (which these days, I watch mostly with my eyes under the blanket). Last night, however, Barbara Walters did a special in which she interviewed 2007s 10 Most Fascinating people.

Now, her list was weak:
1- Justin Timberlake*
2- Bill Clinton*
3,4- Tom and Chris who created Myspace*
5- Katherine Heigl (Izzy from Grey's Anatomy, and the girl in Knocked Up)
6- Don Imus the shock jock radio host who was fired for racist comments
7,8- David and Victoria Beckham (soccer super star and Posh Spice)
9- Jennifer Hudson, the American Idol loser but Academy Award winner
10- J.K. Rowling (author of Harry Potter)*

*Are in the right order, can't remember, can't find a list. not bad for memory though blah...

Some thoughts on this list:
1- Bill Clinton did the best job. Despite what people say about him, I like him. He messed up, yes, but he loves his wife very much and I'd say that in this election she will benefit because of her link to him.

Barbara asked him what he learned from his Quadruple Bypass surgery. He said that he has lived a life more extraordinary than most people who have ever lived. He realized that his life was spared for a reason and so from now on, he will try and help as many people as possible live an extraordinary life as well. He was very selfless and that surprised me.

Now, he wasn't totally selfless. He did say that he thought he was very well suited to be president and he really enjoyed his time in office. I don't' think he was being conceited though - he just knew that he was good and what he did.

2- Don Imus isn't a bad man. He said something on air that he meant to be funny and it wasn't. I think that every day, people on the radio, TV, Internet, whatever say much much worse things than him and get away with it. He said the difference between everything else he says, and what he said about the girls on the basketball team was that the girl's didn't deserve his ridicule (he went on to say that Dick Cheney is a war criminal and Hillary Clinton is the devil).

Barbara spent a lot of time talking about the Ranch that him and his wife built for chronically ill children. That wasn't the only contribution that Mr. Imus makes to this world. I was glad to see Barbara focus on the good side of him. Too bad a majority of the world will always think of him as a racist idiot.

He also made and interesting comment when she asked him what it was like to apologize to the girls. He said that since he had already lost his job, he was able to sincerely apologize. If he hadn't already lost his job the apology would have seemed insincere as if he was just trying to keep his job.

A lot of our apologies are self-serving and he indirectly pointed that out.

3-Perhaps my favorite interview was Jennifer Hudson. I had no clue who she was until this interview. She recognized that everything she had was from God. It seemed genuinely sincere - the opposite of when someone like Jay-Z says it. The special highlighted bits of her life and it was obvious that this girl was raised in the church. She said that God had given her the opportunity to shine, this is her time to shine and she's going to shine as much as she can.


Well, those were the three things I thought about before I went to bed last night. I think the list sucked actually. I wouldn't have picked any of those people as 2007s most fascinating individuals. I think it's quite sad actually...David and Victoria Beckham, really? I think Britney Spears is 10 times more fascinating than them if that's what kind of list we're looking at.

J.K. Rowling had an interesting story. Her and Mr. Clinton have probably influenced the world anyway. Tom and Chris probably have as well I suppose.

I was disappointed but ehh...that's showbiz.

Happy Holidays everyone!
much love.
carrie jade